In college I often joked to my friends that if and when I became pregnant, I would make muffins with my breast milk and serve them without telling people about my secret ingredient. This scenario became less hilarious when, a year later, milk started leaking from my breasts thanks to an overdose of hormones from the birth control patch I had been wearing. At the time, I was too disturbed by the issue to collect my lactation and put it into a breakfast treat.

As it turns out, I might've been able to put the stuff to better use than baking, anyway. The Daily Mail (which, unlike U.S. publications, is not afraid to publish a picture of a baby suckling at a big ol' breast)  reported on Monday that the Department of Health is drawing up national guidelines for breast milk banks, of which there are already 17 in Britain. The banks operate like blood banks, taking in donations of breast milk and giving them to babies in need. These breast milk donations are especially important for premature infants, who have a much easier time digesting breast milk than formula, even when that milk is donated by a stranger, and possibly even when that stranger is thinking about making pumpkin muffins.

Speaking of what's best for baby, the melamine scandal rages on. After noting in October that they wouldn't set standards for the amount of melamine allowable in products, last week the FDA...set a standard. The announcement came on the heels of the discovery that a number of US formulas tested positive for the chemical, although at a level the FDA deemed safe. Unfortunately, though, while the FDA noted that melamine is really only dangerous when cyanuric acid is also present in a product, "the agency still will not set a safety level for melamine if cyanuric acid is also present." They are, however, currently studying the effects.

All right, so we have babies covered, but what about the kids who are (hopefully) past breastfeeding age — elementary schoolers? Tara Malone of the Chicago Tribune recently reported on the lack of milk standardization in Chicago-area schools and the related health concerns. The consensus is that everyone from parents to administrators to dairy farmers think that children should be drinking more milk (according to the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey, "nine of every 10 preteen girls fall short of the federally recommended three calcium servings a day...for boys, the estimate is 7 of 10."), but nobody can quite agree on the best way to make that happen. For example, it's been proven that children (who increasingly opt for beverages like energy drinks) will drink more milk when chocolate and strawberry options are available, but those choices come with extra sugar at a time when "childhood obesity" is a blubbery buzzword on everyone's lips. Top that with the fact that some schools are adding soy and organic milk to the menu, and the answer seems to be that school districts are trying different milk-drinking options out, but nobody expects to have a solution soon.

But I'm sure those dairy farmers will keep on pushing milk in schools, especially considering how bad business could get for them very soon. Paul Post from The Saratogian reported this week that a proposed federal greenhouse gas tax could cost the farmers a whopping $175 per cow. It's true that cows, which generate methane through their digestion, are a huge contributor to greenhouse gasses. Dairy farmers, however, are terrified by the proposal. As one says of the plan, "Some years you try to have a profit margin of $175 per cow. Other years you lose $300. There wouldn’t be any dairy farming left." The public can weigh in on the proposed tax until Friday, but I'll tell you what — if you need some drinking milk, just put me back on the birth control patch. I'll make all the drinking milk you need. And what the hell — I'll even add some chocolate syrup to it for the kids.

Meg Favreau is a writer and comedian living in Philadelphia. She blogs at ihearyoulikestories.com.

Cow udder photo from Bert Werk via Flickr (Creative Commons), milk cartons photo from pdgibson via Flickr (Creative Commons), "Week in Food" photograph from Corbis, "Plate" photograph from FoodCollection/Getty Images.