Philly Beer Week is out to get you. It wants you to toss back pints during lunch, try 100 different beers over the course of three hours, and help kick kegs. It wants you to remember every single day for 10 days why Philadelphia is such a wonderful beer-drinking city (and hopefully not forget it by the end of each evening). Philly Beer Week wants you to make excuses to avoid work and personal obligations so you can try funky, sour Belgian lambics and barbecue-paired smoked porters.

Okay, maybe I just feel like Philly Beer Week is out to get me. I've spent the last few days browsing through Philly Beer Week's offerings, trying to plot a sane and healthy schedule for myself out of the 1000+ beer-sipping events offered. Every time it seems like I have my week settled, though, I'll hear about another brewery's beers I want to try or an awesome class to attend. But my tedious afternoons of browsing and re-browsing through Philly Beer Week's selections are your gain: Not only did I get my own schedule plotted, but I also separated the wheat from the chaff to provide you with some awesome recommendations. Or should I say I separated the hops from the hops vine?

…I swear I haven't started drinking yet, really. Anyway, here are some recommendations:

For the Cash-Strapped: Free Foodery Tastings
When: Throughout the week

The by-the-bottle store is putting its normal free weekly tastings on hyperdrive for Beer Week. Both locations (2nd and Popular and 10th and Pine) will be offering multiple tastings, often several in one day.

For the Athletic: City Brewery Bike Tour
When: June 5, 11 a.m.

Bike across the city while sampling beers from local breweries, starting at Philadelphia Brewing Company in Kensington and ending at West Philly's Dock Street. Especially recommended for those with superior balance.

For the Quantity Seeker: International Beer Festival
When: June 5. Sessions start at noon and 4:30 p.m.

Armed with just a tasting glass, spend three hours battling your way through 100 beers from local, national and international breweries. Who will win, you or the beer? My guess is that it will be a tie.

For the Foodie: Four Course Beer Dinner at James
When: June 6 thru 11

Unlike many of the pairing dinners during Philly Beer Week, the excellent James is offering its special menu multiple times.

For the Parents: Ommegang Brunch and Children's Sing-Along Hour
When: June 12, 11 a.m. - 1:00 p.m.

Drink during the day while someone distracts your children. I'm not saying I approve, I'm just saying that this event exists, and Ommegang's Belgian-style beers are mighty delicious.

For the History Lover: Ancient Ales Lunch
When: June 11, 12:30 p.m.

Remember when Dogfish Head paired up with an archeologist to brew a beer using a 9000-year-old Chinese recipe? Learn about the process directly from Dogfish Head brewer Sam Calagione and Dr. Patrick McGovern.

For the Uneducated: Jackson Tutored Tastings
When: June 12. Sessions start at noon, 4:00 p.m., and 8:00 p.m.

In the spirit of Michael Jackson (the beer writer), join beer expert and writer Randy Mosher for an hour-long guided tasting followed by an open bar of fifty beers to help you flex your new knowledge.

For the Easily Bored: Memphis Taproom
When: Anytime

Memphis Taproom promises they won't repeat a single beer during Beer Week – every time a keg is kicked, it will be replaced with something new. Differentlicious.

For the Belgian Fan: Zythos America
When: June 13. Sessions start at noon and 4:00 p.m.

Unfortunately, many of Beer Week's top-tier Belgian events are already sold out. But that's okay, because one of the best isn't – Zythos America, the stateside version of a popular festival in Belgium. Buy your tickets now, though, to be on the safe side.

For the Suspense Lovers: Mystery Beer Night
When: June 13, starting at 4:00 p.m.

Saddle up to the bar at Doobie's for a nameless pint; if you guess the beer on the first sip, it's free.

For the Patient: Pretty Much Any Event on 6/13
When: June 13

Great rewards come to those who can save their livers and money until the end of Beer Week. Whether it's called Clean the Taps or Kill the Kegs, lots of bars, including the Irish Pol, City Tap House, and London Grill, will be selling good beers for cheap on this last day.

Enjoy... I know I will.

Meg Favreau is a writer and comedian living in Philadelphia. Check out her website, www.megfavreau.com.

"Events" photograph from Marty M.Ito, via Flickr (Creative Commons), "Philly" photograph from camardella, via Flickr (Creative Commons).